So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
