i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
