Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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