Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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