if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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