i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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