so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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