i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
