Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
