Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
