when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
