Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
