I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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