South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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