Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
