she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
