Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
