Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
