...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
