If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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