My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
