worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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