i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
