areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
