I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
