A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
