Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
