There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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