i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
