Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
