Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
