My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
