May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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