Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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