I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
