so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
