She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
