Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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