Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
