Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
