I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
