yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
