He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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