she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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