I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
