If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
