oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
