I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
