I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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