I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
